Getting through

Today was Jax's first day at his ASD (autism spectrum disorders) class. As part of the Early Intervention program, through the county, he'll be attending this class two mornings a week. They offered us the possibility of having Jax ride a bus to and from the school, but I just couldn't cope with the idea of sending my tiny little 20 month old boy on a big yellow school bus. It was hard enough buying him his first backpack... he's just too little for a backpack!

There are going to be 4-6 children in the classroom, all under the age of 3. I'm hoping this will be good for him. I have to admit, I have plenty of reservations. I'd prefer that he be getting one-on-one therapy... but, as the waiting lists seem to be incredibly long, I'm hoping this is better than nothing. I just hope he gets the attention he needs. I have been so intentional about keeping him engaged... and, as a mother, it's hard to imagine anyone else being as devoted or attentive to him as I would be. Aagh!

We had a rough day today. Jax was in Jaxon-land from the moment he woke up this morning, which made it even harder for me to leave him in his classroom. I kept trying to get him to look at me before Dex and I left, but to no avail. It's odd. Even though he won't physically acknowledge my presence, at times, I KNOW he's aware of me. Just as Dex and I left the room, I heard him start screaming. He knew I was gone. I cried for the next 15 minutes. I can't imagine what Dex thought of the whole thing.

For the rest of the morning, I got to truly enjoy being with Dexter. We ran several errands in a row (unheard of with the two boys together!) and even enjoyed a brief respite at a local coffee shop. Dex ran from table to table saying "Hi!" to everyone he saw... then, after thoroughly greeting everyone, sat with Mommy while he ate a blueberry muffin. I spent the next ten minutes answering his many "Wazzat?" queries. At this point, I started to cry... again. I felt so guilty giving Dexter all of this attention when I knew I wouldn't be able to do the same for Jax. To make matters worse (and even more complicated), I was truly enjoying being with Dex. It was so easy. I wasn't frantically trying to chase after two busy bodies... I wasn't always saving a little guy from his next inevitably bump or bruise. It was just, so... easy. I'm not sure if it's because it was Dex or because it was just one of the boys (or, more likely, a combination of the two)... but, that also made me feel guilty. Then, I started grieving the fact that this alert little boy in front of me was giving me eskimo kisses and asking so many questions... when all morning long I hadn't even been able to get his brother to LOOK at me. How are we going to deal with the fact that these two little boys are developing so differently when we want so much for the both of them? Sometimes, it all just hurts a little too much.

Today, my fear got the better of me.

When I picked Jaxon up, his teacher encouragingly told me that she didn't anticipate his being in the class for long... that I had every reason to be hopeful for his future. I hope she's right. In the meantime, we're still trying to get Jaxon added to more waiting lists for behavioral and speech therapy... still trying to keep him engaged and celebrating every little triumph.... and still loving all of Dexter's eskimo kisses.